Shambles

A Sad! story

When Shambles the Golden Turd was small, just a tiny turd, with tiny turd-hands, he dreamed big dreams. He dreamed that he'd one day be the biggest turd, the strongest turd, the shiniest and golden-est turd to be found. He thought of nothing else, save for his own place in the world of turds. "Father," he said, "I wish to be a king among turds, I wish for the weak and the meek to look upon me in all my Golden Turdish splendor. Will you help me?" 

"Now, Sham, that's no way to go about--" and Shambles tore off his father's head, and took all his father's gold, and ate his father and grew twice as large.

Then he trumpeted his name to the world, (which was actually just a small pile near a garden, but Shambles did not know that yet) and showed everyone that by shouting his name as loud as he could, and writing his name wherever he could, and talking about himself at every opportunity, he was the biggest, he was the shiniest, the greatest turd around. If someone quarreled with him, he would tear off their head and take their gold and eat them.

As Shambles grew, he found some useful things to help in his quest, like several spooky dolls that he liked to carry around, so that others might see what a manly and virile Golden Turd he was, and they would envy him. He would switch them around when he thought no one was looking.

In truth, no one was looking, because they all considered Shambles to be exactly what he appeared to be, and they pretended to like him, because it was the easiest way make him quiet. 

Some other things he found useful were called scapegoats. If Shambles saw a useful scapegoat, he would mock it, or blame it, or frighten others with it. This became a bad habit for him. He could not stop doing it and like most bad habits, it became extremely gratifying to Shambles. Sometimes it gave him a little Golden Turd boner.

But Shambles soon grew hungrier for more. He could no longer think of anything but his own might, his own Turdish glory. Everywhere he looked he saw things that did not look like him, or talk like him, or seem like him, and were therefore not acceptable to him and he would eat them.

He thought that by eating them, it would make him bigger and stronger. Sadly, most turds who are self-obsessed snd self-absorbed think this way.  

There is hardly any need to go into the degrading details of his sorry demise. I am sure you can already recognize that nothing good would come of him. The day that Shambles the Golden Turd declared himself Boss of the World was the beginning of the end for Sham. He would never realize his own part in his downfall. He did not, he could not understand: that the pile near the garden was not the whole world; that destroying enemies only makes more enemies; that getting bigger by taking from others makes you smaller; that being Boss of the World meant he had to care for the world; and most of all and least of all: even the biggest, shiniest, golden-est turd in all the land is still just a turd.